Thursday, March 1, 2012

Running after You

I know that there is a God shaped hole in me. In my life, in my soul, forever present until I fill it with the only One who can fill it. And it's funny, until Sam and I started doing whatever it is we're doing, I didn't know how to fill it. I didn't know what it meant to be pursued, to accept pursuit, although I knew my God had been pursuing me for sometime now (and continues to do so). But part of me still feels like something is missing. I am taking active steps, pursuing Him in return, and I suppose I shouldn't expect an overnight transformation. Nothing worth having happens overnight (except maybe a baby, haha). I still look to other things to make me feel like a whole person, to make me feel validated - my work, maybe a new degree, this boy I'm dating, see how well I balance all these things?

For the longest time I had stopped looking for someone to share my life with, partly because of disappointment and discontent with the "dating" scene, partly because I already have enough on my plate I couldn't possibly make time for something else. (Also, I recognize that saying I stopped looking "for the longest time" at age 25 really isn't all that long. But, in my defense, the last boy I seriously dated was 5 years ago - that's a long time, right?) Then Sam was seemingly dropped in my life. And while our relationship thus far has been, at times, very far from fairy tale, it has also shown me a lot about what it means to trust another person and God. Embarking in a long distance courtship means I have to take what he says at face value; I have to trust him and his word. And he has to do the same with me.

It works the same with God. I have to take him at His word and trust Him, not just in the areas that are comfortable for me, but in all areas. And it's hard. And it's a choice - every day - to deny the things the world tries tells me about who I should be and how life should be. And slowly, very slowly, I'm working on this long distance courtship with my Savior.

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