Thursday, February 9, 2012


Have you ever had a moment where a totally normal and regular event suddenly leaves you flooded with memories and emotions?

I was emptying the dishwasher.  I knew they were clean because the air that hit my face as I opened the door was warm - it had probably been run this morning.  The cups on top had water on them.  I got in the drawer for a clean dish towel, as I was uncertain when our current one had taken up residence on the stove handle.  I pulled one from the bottom of the stack, knowing they didn't often get used.  I smelled it to make sure it didn't smell stale, like the inside of the drawer.

The majority of our dishes and kitchen supplies had come from my grandmother's house after she passed in 2009.  This particular dish towel smelt exactly like her house - a smell I never thought I would be privy to again.  There were no specific memories, just an overwhelming sense of utter sadness and despair. 

I'd managed to collect myself before Em got home, but as I recollected my day, it seemed too important a thing to leave out.  Of course, that brought everything around again, and I confessed something to her that I've never told anyone.  Something that I am more ashamed of than anything in my life.  And she accepted my confession with grace, love, and understanding. 

I am so undeserving.